so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
