I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
