We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
