im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
