put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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