my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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