Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
