When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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