all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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