im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
