just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
