Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
