Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
