Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
