Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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