Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
