Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
