Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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