this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
