i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i love accidental penises.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
