apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize