Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
