I just pynch a tree in the face
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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