I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
