Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
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