I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
