i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
