I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
