im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
