Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
