Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Boobs speak an international language.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
