I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
