Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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