Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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