my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
