This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You have to summon your inner elephant
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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