i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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