nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
