he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
