this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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