we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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