I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
