I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize