Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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