I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
