my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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