i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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