Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
