Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize