her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
