Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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