I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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