considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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