are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
