He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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