oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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