I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
